That fire that warms your heart. [edited]
As mushy as the title of this post may seem, it’s not about anything mushy. Hardy-har-har. FOOLED YOU!
Several things have happened to me over the course of two weeks. First, my eyelids have healed substantially, and because of that, I’ve graduated to wearing contacts permanently. I’m absolutely thrilled to FINALLY be able to wear contacts without them hurting so much! Although it still takes a bit of getting used to…! I think I blink too hard. I shall post a picture once I can find a nice one.
Since I’ve started wearing contacts about 4 days ago, I’ve been getting all kinds of weird stares. I hope that they are good stares, because sometimes I’m paranoid that they know my eyelids are fake. HAHA. Every time I catch someone looking at me in an odd way, a rush of ‘OMGHE/SHEKNOWSTHATMAEYELIDSARENAWTREALLL!!!!’ enters my head and then I quickly look away. So yes, this will take some getting used to! 0_0
Another thing. Impulses. Something I’m quite infamous for…for all the wrong reasons. Getting drunk is one thing. Doing things on impulse WHILST ONE IS SOBER is another. There have been soooooo many instances over the past 2 weeks where I’ve been pining to do impulsive things. But having self-control is what makes us human, right? In my case, I know I need to practise this. Otherwise I won’t really stand for anything. I have my pride (even though it mysteriously disappears whenever theres a glass of alcohol in my hand) and my principles. In a sense, the fire warming my heart is my conscience telling me that I’m finally growing up. I guess I used to do anything that would make me happy, but because of those things, I’ve realised that I don’t ever want to hurt myself anymore.
…which leads me on to my next little thought. It has occurred to me that I may never find a boyfriend. Not just a good Christian boyfriend. ANY boyfriend. As you probably already know, I’m cursed to like guys who are already attached/are getting attached/wouldn’t even THINK of getting attached. Funnily enough, I’m ok with this. I’m NOT saying that I’m a lesbian, but for now (and possibly the future) I want to be alone. Without my parents with me, I like doing things by myself, for myself. Wow…that sounds quite self-centred! Nevertheless, those who REALLY know me definitely know that I am not self-centered. Granted, I panic easily…and may say stupid things at the worse possible times, but I love my friends very much and it makes me feel all funny inside to know that they love me as well. Teeheehee. Which is why I don’t want to have a boyfriend. Because…everything gets thrown off balance. Phrens or boyphren? Alone time or spending time with each other? I don’t know why relationshippers have to spend soooooo much time with each other. It’s like they know that its going to end so they want to make the most of what amount of time thats left. I know a lovely couple who functions like a married-for-30-years-type couple. And they are sooo grown up its incredible to think how they do it. Hehe. If you’re reading this, you know that I love you despite all the teasing. =)
Updated:
At last I realise that if I do have a boyphren, this one will have to last. I am tired of investing so much time and effort and yielding nothing in return. Also, after some much-needed self-evaluation, I have come to the following conclusions:
1. As much as I like forbidden fruit (and some of you can testify to this) I don’t go after guys who are already in relationships. I guess that ties in with my resolution not to be so fickle-minded. I wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of an unhappy break-up, so I will never encourage something that could break another girl’s heart. Now, my policy is as follows: Look & See but NEVER touch. I know that sounds oddly cryptic…but some of you will know what I’m talking about.
Oh yes, and 1b. I never, and I mean NEVER, cheat. However, if he cheats on me, well…you know what will happen.
<sound of knife slicing through flesh followed by a scream>
<cue clip of me tying it to a balloon and watching it float away whilst he rolls around in agony>
Heh. Heh.
2. I will no longer do things that I will eventually regret. Lately I’ve been having some bizarre thoughts about my life. I admit that I have screwed over some people in the past…and I don’t know if they’ve truly accepted my apology. Anything can happen when you’re ‘in the moment’ and because of those impulsive decisions, I have wrecked a number of promising friendships. It’s not the things I do that I regret. That bit is over and nothing I do will undo it. My regret stems from how I’ve handled the aftermath. I could’ve been mature, but…no! I refused to! And because of that, so many walls have been put in place that I have immense difficulty taking down.
3. I enjoy being alone. Honestly, all I need is something to do and amazing friends to help me through. I couldn’t ask for more.
How else shall I govern my wayward life? Being stupid has led me to where I am today. I’ve frittered away all of my teenage years chasing illusions of love. But now it’s all clear. I know what I need, I know what I want. I will no longer jeopardise my emotions or change myself in order to find someone. I won’t even wait. If it happens, I will decide whether or not I will let it happen. Other than that? It’s wayyyyy too complicated and silly.
Just some things to note. I think I will be adding more to this post soon. I’m in dire need of some sleep.
